Hold Back That Second Arrow!
There is a Buddhist fable that teaches when we experience misfortune, disappointment, or something challenging in life, we are shot with two arrows. The first arrow represents the experience itself. The second arrow represents the suffering from the experience. For example, you are struggling on an English paper, your friend says something hurtful, your significant other breaks up with you, a party was canceled due to new COVID restrictions. These experiences cause pain and negativity and are the first arrow. Of course, we always want to avoid being hit with an arrow because it just doesn’t feel good, but the thing about the first arrow, it’s life and unavoidable. Like the bumper sticker that was in vogue in the ’80s, “Sh!!t Happens.”
So, what is the second arrow and where does it come from? Think of the second arrow as your reaction to the event. The second arrow is shot by you and is the arrow that causes your suffering! But, shooting the second arrow is a choice. It does not have to be shot!
Let’s take the example of your struggles with an English paper to make sense of all this. Writing papers is an arrow for you in life. It is hard. You don’t like it and it causes you stress and frustration. Despite your logical brain knowing that writing papers is a part of being a student and cannot be avoided, you still shoot that second arrow. And here’s how:
You refuse help-You skip the opportunity to schedule a meeting with the teacher/professor for help and/or walk right by the writing center
You procrastinate- You convince yourself that a last-minute approach will increase your odds of completion (the “hair on fire” approach)
You limited your thinking: You say things like this to yourself, “I’m a bad writer. Always have been and always will be.” “My teacher never gives me anything higher than a C…what’s the point in trying?”
You avoid: You skip class or engage with only the things/events that bring you pleasure.
These 4 responses to the assigned paper cause more stress and suffering than the paper itself. These are reactions based on fear, and that is what the second arrow is all about.
Here’s how to hold back on the second arrow?
Recognize the moment you reach for that second arrow. Think of it as that shift from feeling bummed about an experience to self-blame or lack of confidence.
Pause and ask yourself, What would I say to a friend right now? Treat yourself like you would a friend who is in the midst of beating themselves up. You would probably suggest a few deep breaths and some words of encouragement like, “You can do this!”
Rinse and Repeat. Self-awareness is a muscle and it takes time to build it up, so expect the process to take time. Accept the first arrows, and hold back the second ones!